Bleeding Gums

I have neglected flossing; I get to it maybe twice a week, at most. This morning I visited my dentist, who I’ve been going to for at least ten years. I love my dentist; he is great, really nice, funny and doesn’t make you feel like he is doing stuff to you just to get lots of money from you and your insurance.

That said, I believe his dental assistant carved a decorative eyelet pattern into my gums, or it at least felt like that. Since I’ve been going there for years they will point out, with humor, that I must have been slacking these last six months because they don’t recall it being this bad last time. Thanks, thanks for reminding me and making me feel guilty. It is at this point I start to think of Bleeding Gums, Lisa Simpson's hero and saxophone mentor. Party because I am sure my gums are bloody beyond belief, and party because my dentist’s radio was blasting WNUA. For those of you in Chicago you will know that this station lovingly refers to itself as “Smooth Jazz”. I hate Jazz. So while listening to smooth Jazz, which had some saxophone I started to imagine when Bleeding Gums died and played one last song with Lisa from the sky. As it turns out there wasn’t much blood at all, but my gums still hurt. That will teach me to neglect my gums and skip flossing.

Then I moved on to my next procedure. Getting fitted for a new night guard. I lovingly refer to my night guard as my “bit”. Frankly, that is what it is and "night guard" is two words, and two syllables, where as "bit" is one very short and curt syllables, and it is way funnier.

The bit costs a crap load of money but I just can’t go with out, and if you have ever slept, or rather tried to sleep within a mile radius of me you would know why. Apparently I sound as if I am crushing rocks with my teeth. In addition to sounding awful, keeping others awake, scaring them and giving myself headaches I will break my teeth if I don’t wear the "bit". So I embrace and love my "bit".

I am not my dentist’s worse case, but I am “up there” and he marvels at my ability to wear down the bit in record time. I hope someday to do infomercials and become the poster girl wearing your "bit".